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Come Together, Right Now

By Tony Kornheiser
Washington Post Columnist
Thursday, December 26, 1996; Page C1

Sports Illustrated picked Tiger Woods as its sportsman of the year; a reasonable choice. Tiger bounded onto the pro golf tour, and lit it up like a Roman candle -- not to mention how Tiger lit up the cash registers, as millions of people who never looked at the sport before are now lining up to get that swoosh on their golf shoes. Cha-ching!

The women of the U.S. Olympic teams would have been a reasonable choice, as well. The U.S. softball team, the women's gymnastics team, women's soccer team and women's basketball team all won gold medals -- with none of the blase, self-serving condescension you see from the familiar men's gold medalists. There were so many beautiful, graceful, successful women athletes on TV, I thought the Atlanta Olympics were a Nike commercial. (And of course they were.)

But my choice for sportsman of the year is, once again, Michael Jordan. And not simply for lifting the Chicago Bulls to the first 70-win season in NBA history and another championship, by his personal will alone -- though that would be reason enough. But more importantly for restoring the honesty of the regular season ticket. He didn't save it for the playoffs. Every night Jordan went out there and did his very best. Every night he gave the fans their money's worth. Jordan never phoned in a performance. He shouldn't have just won a title. For what he did on center stage for 82 games, he should have won a Tony Award, too. Merry Christmas to Michael Jordan. (I'd send him a gift, but he already has that cologne.) And Merry Christmas to:

Shaquille O'Neal for the gold medal quote of the year, explaining why he was worth the 300 gazillion dollar contract he signed with the Lakers: "I've won at every level, except college and the NBA." (That's why he's known as "The Godzilla Of Fifth Grade.")

Dennis Rodman; Thorne Wesley Jameson Groves.

Diana Ross, Gloria Estefan.

Jeffrey Maier, Rich Garcia, Tony Tarasco.

Fred Flores, who, to get Super Bowl tickets, covered himself in peanut butter and feathers and dove into a flatbed truck stuffed with 2,000 pounds of cow manure.

Dot Richardson, Michelle Granger, Mia Hamm, Amy Van Dyken, Sheryl Swoopes, Shannon Miller, Dominique Dawes, Lisa Leslie; Michelle Smith.

Richard Jewell; Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf.

Cigar.

Scott Galbraith, for the silver medal quote of the year, explaining something or other: "I think the great protractor of life will always allow you to encircle what you care to prognosticate."

Tim Duncan, Keith Van Horn, Jacque Vaughn; Keith Booth.

Roberto Alomar and John Hirschbeck, Riddick "Iron Groin" Bowe and Andrew "Under The Boardwalk" Golota, Mark Duffner and Debbie Yow, Kevin Costner and Don Johnson, Vince Tobin and Boomer Esiason, P.G. Angelos and Jon Miller, Willie Brown and Elvis Grbac, Carl Lewis and Erv Hunt, Albert Belle and Fernando Vina, June Jones and Jeff George, Mike Keenan and Brett Hull, John Thompson and Leo O'Donovan; Pat Riley, Micky Arison, the Bird of Prey and David Stern.

L'il Penny; Tyra Banks, you can leave your toothbrush at my house anytime.

Bruce Arena, the new downtown arena.

Kirby Puckett, Tom Lasorda; Brett Butler.

Magic Johnson, Cedric Ceballos, Nick Van Exel.

John Tesh, hahaha.

Ral-Jon, Abeville; Stan Fetter.

Patrick and Olbermann, Scott and Eisen, Hill and Laimbeer; Robert Goulet.

Dwight Gooden, Joe Torre; Frank Torre; chicken cacciatore.

Naim Suleymanoglu and Valerios Leonidis, Jim Boeheim and Rick Pitino, Gail Devers and Gwen Torrence, Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson, Terry Labonte and Jeff Gordon; Karch Kiraly and Kent Steffes.

Pat Gillick, Davey Johnson, Cal Ripken.

Brett Favre, Bam Morris, Michael Irvin, Leon Lett, Butch Hobson; Ben Wright.

Michael Johnson, for the gold shoes -- no guts, no glory.

Pete Sampras, for leaving it all on the court, literally.

Tim Harden.

Brady Anderson, Pope John Paul II; Michael Westbrook, Mark Price.

Koul, Dia, Ekezie, Muresan, Bonzai.

Patrick Roy.

Orlando Pace, Lake Speed; Jake Plummer, Vin Baker.

Bobby Kersee, with the bronze medal quote of the year, explaining how he told his injured wife and star athlete, the legendary Jackie Joyner-Kersee, that he wouldn't let her continue to compete in the Olympic heptathlon even though she gamely wanted to: "I told her, `I'm not going to allow you to do this thing. This isn't a coach-athlete thing, Jackie. This is your husband talking. It's time for you to go.' "

Any available bumoo.

Garry Kasparov, Deep Blue; Dick Morris, Sherry Rowlands.

Sea Dogs, Dragons, Express, Stallions, hahaha; Jim McIlvaine, for explaining why he liked Sea Dogs: "Because nobody else does."

Greg Norman.

Larry Brown, Larry Brown; Karim Abdul-Jabbar.

Matt Ghaffari, for going on his own to the hospital to visit Fallon Stubbs, the daughter of Alice Hawthorne, the woman who was killed in the Centennial Park bomb blast; Gene Keady.

The inflatable beer cans, the cauldron that looked like a McDonald's french fry holster, Bud World, Coca-Cola City, the macarena, all the shlock that heaven allows.

The serene Muhammad Ali.

Kevin Greene, for predicting the Dallas-Pittsburgh Super Bowl would be "a dog-dog-eat-dog fight," leading me to believe that one side had Siamese twin dogs; Kerri Strug, for inhaling helium before she spoke; Neil O'Donnell, for announcing, "After Sunday, there's no tomorrow," leading many of us to cancel our Monday plane reservations; whiny Janet "Zelig" Evans, for showing up everywhere in Atlanta.

Rich Kotite, Rick Venturi, Cotton Fitzsimmons, Dave Allison; Jim Leyland.

Pete Carril.

Bob Lanier, David Thompson, Connie Hawkins, Dan Issel, George Yardley.

Littwin, Lupica, Ryan, Albom, Ostler, Chad, Norv Turner.

19.32, 27-10 3/4, 72-10; 7-1.

Wesley Spears, Stephen Cito; Erik deBruin.

Sunday Adebayo, Tuesday Atdabirchmere; Moses Regular, Moses Hi-Test.

The Bandwagon.

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