Q.My husband, now 57, has always been a bit obsessed with our 10-year-old daughter. She is his reason for being, perhaps because he had a huge financial setback when she was a baby or because his kids from an earlier marriage are now on hard drugs.

Our marriage didn't survive his fixation on our daughter, but my husband and I have a friendly separation, sharing her 50-50 and spending holidays and vacations together with my parents.

On our last vacation, it seemed as if my husband's obsession had turned into an addiction. He focused on our daughter at all times and became increasingly agitated when he wasn't spending time with her or she wasn't the center of attention.

My parents and I have always been uncomfortable with the amount of physical contact between them and the way they always seem to be touching, hugging, kissing and cuddling. She often sat on his lap during this vacation and ran around naked in front of him, and he helped to bathe her "to get the conditioner out of her hair" and slept with her, too.

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My husband had always slept with our daughter until about 20 months ago, when a child shrink told him to stop it and threatened to call Social Services because he had serious "boundary issues." We stopped seeing the shrink because we felt she was a little uptight and because my daughter said they didn't share a bed anymore unless she was sick or the weather was stormy.

I became alarmed, however, when she had a brief stomach virus on vacation and slept in his bed for the next three days. My husband left only to use the bathroom and to get food and water.

After the first and second night, our daughter said her anus hurt, she had to urinate frequently and she had a tingling sensation. This could have been caused by many things, but I am starting to have real fear. I want to believe everything is okay, but I'd hate to look back 10 years from now and realize that I had ignored a lot of red flags. What do you think? A.You know the answer to this question, as painful as it is.

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Although your husband may not be molesting your daughter, he is acting more like a lover than a father, and that, in itself, is sexual abuse.

It is completely inappropriate for a father to sleep with his daughter once she's on the verge of puberty -- even when she's sick -- or to bathe her for any reason, and it is just as inappropriate for your daughter to run around naked in front of him or to sit on his lap for long. There is a difference, however. Your husband knows better and she does not.

His behavior has to stop, because it can lead to more serious sexual abuse -- if it hasn't already -- and it could keep your daughter from trusting or loving any man, ever.

Unless you step in, she and her father probably will continue to have at least as much sexual contact as they have now for the next few years, and then she will push him away, perhaps forever. She will also be quite angry with you for not defending her and think that she is quite worthless, which may lead to promiscuity or to drug or alcohol addiction.

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It's time to do something about this sorry situation.

Take your daughter to your nearest children's hospital for an evaluation today so a doctor from Child Protective Services can look for physical evidence of sexual abuse and a psychologist can interview her. If your husband has assaulted his daughter, or if she says that he did, then he could go to jail. This would be hard on both of them since their relationship is so loving and intense, but don't feel guilty for blowing the whistle. You are your child's first, and last, line of defense.

Even without any more evidence than you reported, CPS may well insist that your husband be supervised when he's with his daughter and, one hopes, that he see a therapist. Parents must learn their boundaries, just like children.

Your daughter will need to see a therapist, too -- perhaps for two or three years -- even if your husband just talked sexy or fondled her regularly, and she'll have to learn how to act and dress around her father, or any man, so she won't be provocative.

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Finally, you and your husband -- if he can be persuaded -- should read a few books about sexual abuse to find out just what it is and how much it damages a child. "How Long Does It Hurt?" by Cynthia L. Mather with Kristina E. Debye (Jossey-Bass, $18), written about and for older teenagers, is a good one, and so is "Breaking the Cycle of Abuse" by Beverly Engel (Wiley, $25).

For more ammunition, have your husband watch "The Brutal Truth," a documentary about child abuse that airs on PBS in many cities this month.

Questions? Send them to advice@margueritekelly.com or to Box 15310, Washington, D.C. 20003.

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